The Lard Arms

If I could just ...

At the moment, all I want to do is run away.  Each day I fantasise about jumping on a plane and going somewhere, anywhere.  The current dream is a gorgeous beach with a glorious turquoise-coloured sea.

And if the beach isn't an option, my dream holiday would be here or here; I've written about these places before.  The reason they both appeal is because the offer the chance to undo some of the (food) damage of the past and...start again.  Clean slate and all that.

And THAT is what's REALLY on my mind right now; how can I start over?  Lesley's comments about Christmas coming also hit home.  I'd been discussing food options between now AND Christmas and what my potential plans could be.  Because, being honest, Christmas was a watershed moment in my weightloss/weight gain-journey.  And I know that I am not alone with that experience!

My LighterLife Counsellor has said that Christmas is legitimised dysfunctional eating!  Last Christmas I put on 10 lbs.  What I should have/could have done was pull that back and stop the rot.  Right there.  What I did, instead, was mess around and let it get out of control a few months later!

In three months' time, it will be my two year anniversary from starting this journey.  And I really need to think about what that means.  And I'll be honest...it isn't a two stone weight loss, as a whole.

Sunday Brunch

I went to my group this week and weighed 1lb less than the week before.  I was SOOOO pleased.  NOT because the weight loss signified anything specific but it was just a really pleasant surprise.

BUT earlier in the session, someone had asked me how my weight was going and how was I managing with food.  Reasonable enough questions given that it was a meeting about food relationships/weight management but I felt quite resentful.

I also declared to the group that my focus is on my head and not on what I am choosing to eat (or not).  Of course, I've stated on this blog SOOOO many times that the journey is SOOOO not about the food.  But, I've also realised this morning that if I zone out about the food, I'm not really addressing the whole picture, if that makes sense.

The all or nothing thinking strikes again.  I need to tackle both because my feelings dictate my decisions about food, which then affect my feelings...which then affect my next decisions about food.  Aha!

I thought that by losing the weight and doing lots of CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) for a few months - which LighterLife offers - would sort me out.  WRONG!  

There's more work to do.  Sigh.  But I have not given up.

Don't Look Back in Anger

I've just caught up with my lovely friend, Lesley, over at Live to Slim.  Lesley started a VLCD (LighterLife) before me but we were soon treading the same path, albeit in different ways.  

Much of Lesley's latest post resonated with me - maybe because I'm in a fug right now - and I find myself thinking back to this time last year.  And beyond.  I still can't bring myself to read my own posts because...well, for all sorts of reasons.  I did, however, come across my LighterLife before and after laminated pictures and I could have cried!  Do you know why?  Because I saw a photo of myself that...I liked!  This is a first.  I liked what I saw in the photo.

But just like Lesley, at the time of the 'after' photo, I didn't trust myself.  Not really.  My diet was all encompassing and I was obsessed.  And not in a necessarily good way.  But then I went too far the other way and now I am 3 stone heavier.  The all or nothing thinking kicked in good and proper.

I also found lots of photos of the early days of the relationship with my husband.  And one thing struck me - I was fat in every single one.  How depressing.  And I had the overwhelming urge to ask that person, in the photo, what the hell is going on?!

Lesley mentioned other people who had got through the VLCD, to the other side, the slim side, and had managed to maintain.  But I genuinely believe these people are few and far between.  What seems more realistic is that it takes several goes to get down to a weight that is healthy and sustainable in the longer term.  

LighterLife is aimed at people who have +3 stone to lose but let's face facts; someone with 3 stone to lose is going to have  a different journey to someone with +6,7,8,9 or +10 stone to lose.  I am not saying one is worse than the other.  But they're different.

Recently, I have really been beating myself up mentally for going back up an extra 3 stone.  BUT I am still 4 stone lighter than I was four years ago.

Even though my natural tendency is to give myself a very hard time, I am - through counselling and reading - beginning to understand how destructive and counter-productive such an approach is.  Even though it's so deeply ingrained, I am going to have to - consciously - stop such thought patterns in their tracks.

So, lovely Lesley, let's not beat ourselves up about where we are but focus on where we want to get (back) to.  We'll get there! 

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Chain Reaction

Well friends, I went back to my GP today who diagnosed...depression.  Reactive  rather than clinical.  And he wants me to take anti-depressants to get my groove back.

I don't know what to do.  I thought drugs just numbed everything and didn't make the problems go away - so am I swapping one medication (food) for another?

It's all about the seratonin, apparently.   

Anyway, something needs to give because I keep trying to feel better and don't seem to manage it in any kind of sustained way.

Two friends are about to give birth and today my cycle started.  If I had managed to stay pregnant, our baby would have been born around this time.

Anyway, enough already.  I know I cannot go on like this.  I have been trying to find an answer and not succeeding.  It's time to move on.

I must admit that I have felt low in my life before but nothing on this scale.  I may need a break from the blog for a few days - just to sort myself out.

Take care, everyone.

The whole world is just a click away...

Greetings fellow fat fighters.

WHAT a journey I have been on tonight.  I finished The Forty Project, which is jam packed with gems - get there when you can - because Amy has done all the research already.  The links...well, they just rock!

There's so much to say about Amy's plans and journey but one thing struck me; she did her first big (running) race and hung on in there.  If that had been me, there would have been tears, tantrums and drama all the way to the finish line and beyond.  I just love her positive attitude.

Meanwhile,  Amy's links lead me onto another blog, Millionaire Mommy Next Door

Again, there's A LOT to take in and I'll need to go back but in one post the author talks about choosing happiness (over misery).  With very good reason to feel sad (her mother's terminal illness), she explains how she chose the opposite - to choose happiness.  It's SO simple but we rarely do it, do we?  I know I don't.  To be honest, it blew me away.

Millionaire Mommy had mentioned travelling and I finally started reading Battered Suitcase.  Travel has been much on my mind of late - it's definitely tied up with wanting to escape.   Porkchop has just come back from visiting family in New York.  It made me really, really nostalgic for the city AND there's so much more of the US that I want to visit.  I saw a clairvoyant once who told me that we were US-bound with my husband's work.  OMG, I was excited but...we're still here!!  The East Coast I could have handled because I would have taken the dog over by ship!  And with yesterday's election victory, there is something really magical about America right now.   Porkchop said she was struck, this time, by how positive people were and how encouraging they were of anyone's plans and intentions.  Is this true?  Is this typical?  I just don't know.  

Anyway, even though I didn't make it to my group, I feel I have had a wonderful evening.  I was worried about overeating.  I was worried about being lonely.  But neither of these things happened. It was the best evening at home in a long, long time.

Thank you fellow bloggers for making the effort.

The perfect tonic

Well, good news-ish from Animal Hospital.  The cat is progressing and responding to treatment.  He is not out of the woods yet but he is surviving, which is excellent.  The dog on his last legs is... not giving up yet.  He climbed the stairs and slept in his old bed.  And my gorgeous girl has come out of her anaesthetic but a second opinion is required for the x-ray.  Of course, I am on tenterhooks but I just have to hope and pray that she's going to be ok.  At least she got through the first hurdle.

In the meantime, I didn't make it to group.  I just did not have the energy and ability to do a six-hour round trip to London.  I did some work in the morning and was determined to get to class - particularly since I ate some boiled rice at lunchtime and, I'll be honest, I was worried it would set me off again(eating when not hungry).  Once I realised I couldn't go to group, I did feel quite anxious and didn't know what to do with myself.  I don't have the energy to do lots of physical activity (like housework!) so I decided to come back to bed and start reading the blogs that I recently included on here.

I'm halfway through The Forty Project and it's been the perfect tonic.  The author is so upbeat and determined and it was just what I needed.  I've reached May so far.  It also reminded me that it was indeed other people's blogging that sustained me last year when I was doing the VLCD.  Since then, I'd got into the habit of reading my usual favourites and not really having the energy (after the insane work situation) or time to look for new authors on the block.

Well, I'm really glad I did because it has made all the difference.    And I really excited about finishing this blog AND being able to catch up with the others.

In the meantime, I have to declare that I was thrilled about the US election outcome.  I woke up at 4.00 am and heard it on the radio.  It was amazing.  So, American readers, it's a very special moment in your history but... in all our histories, too.  

Positive Thinking Required

Greetings comrades.  I am writing this from my sick bed, where no food has passed my lips for almost 24 hours.  This is unheard of behaviour!  I'm trying to be jolly because I am feeling anything but.

I met up with the expert friend last night, drank too much, ate too much but not enough to cause the tidal waves of sickness that followed.  

I don't know how I made it home, I felt so terrible but people were kind and helped.  Even late at night.

Apart from the work nightmare that continues, our beloved animals have taken a turn for the worse.

First, my own dog has had another flare up in her back leg - could be arthritis - could be cruciate ligament - but only an x-ray will reveal the answer so for dogs, that means a general anaesthetic.  Of course, she IS a strong girl but she's still 12.5 years old.  It's risky.  

Then our  eldest family dog is on his last legs.  Literally.  The deterioration has been rapid and very sad to watch. (They were all here at the weekend.) My mother thinks she will need to call out the vet this week; we shall see.  One thing is key; we don't want him to suffer.

And finally one of the cats has gone into acute renal failure.  He is at the vet's now and it's "touch and go".

So, lovely readers, please think special thoughts for the pets.  For those with animals of your own, you know that they are family members just like the humans.

If I am back on my feet tomorrow, I shall be going to my group.  If nothing else, the scales will be lighter. Come on, there HAS to be an upside in all of this!! xxxxxxx

Clocks

So here's the deal.  I've acknowledged but maybe not really accepted - yet - that exercise is going to have to be part of my life.  Forever.  

And my relationship with exercise is always mixed - sometimes I love it (but strangely not enough to want to do it all the time) and sometimes I just don't want to do it.  So I don't.  For months, hey, even years!

This time last year, my exercise levels were beginning to diminish after a summer of cycling, running and being very physical.  The long-term effects of that intense period of being physically fit included...being able to eat more.  Fact.  It was the same when I trained for the Moonwalk, I could just 'get away' with more food.

But when exercise is not in the mix, bad things happen - my weight goes up but more than than, I really do feel much worse mentally because I feel fatter (and more of a failure).  And exercise is harder.

Soooo, my husband has been exemplary since I said I was worried about his health; he lives in a swanky hotel Monday - Friday, which has a gym.  He booked himself a personal trainer and he's been doing everything he can to get fitter.  And I can't say that my husband is a typical man and doesn't have an emotional relationship with food because I can see that, at times, he does.  He's really impressed me with the way he has embraced the new lifestyle; his discipline is quite phenomenal (for me to see).  Anyway, each weekend, when he has wanted us to go to the gym together - this time, it's the local authority, cheap gym - I have found a reason not to go.  Well, this weekend I couldn't but boy was I grumpy before we left the house.  My mind was playing all sorts of games, anything, everything, to stop me going.

I even texted Tiger Girl with the equivalent of stamping my foot but she just encouraged me to go for it, since she had already been to the gym and done some serious boxercise activity!

I tried to explain to my husband what's going on - since the resistance to do something positive for myself seems so strong - and he told me I needed to be 'outcome focused'!  I really could have smacked him at that point but I managed to contain myself because I think, probably, there is some truth in that statement. Somewhere.

Anyway, we got to the gym.  I was so stroppy.  It was pathetic.  BUT I was not as stroppy as the woman at the front desk who clearly has no time for customers.  She wanted to charge me £10 for the visit, as I wasn't a member.  Ten pounds!  I said it's just not worth it and tried to escape but eventually my husband wangled three free visits and then I could decide what to do.

The gym really is quite poorly kitted out but the view is gorgeous.  It overlooks a park and the autumn colours were amazing.  

My husband wanted me to do the routine he does with his trainer.  I wanted to do Bodydoctor so we compromised.  I got on the treadmill and after walking (2.5 mins)/running (30secs) for a while, I was managing quite well but I wanted to do my own 'test' to see what my fitness was like.

There is a Coldplay track called, Clocks.  It lasts for 5.07 mins, according to my iPod.  Each time I 'come back' to the gym or to doing exercise, that's my litmus test.  Can I last the whole track?  Today was a struggle and I reckon I managed 4.30 mins.  My skin though was really suffering; I went scarlet, no puce, pretty quickly and my spots (mastocytosis) really flared up but I pressed on.  It was a struggle but I managed to stay on the treadmill.  

After that, we did more cardio' even though I was still so resistant.  It was like being with a petulant child. And getting tiresome.  My husband deserves a medal after all my nonsense today.

But here's the thing.  Going with my husband meant that however many mind games I was playing, he was not letting me give into them.  Second, his aim is for us to run together in a race, in memory of family members and raise money for two causes close to our heart.  We've never done anything like this as a couple and I can't help but think it would be a really good thing.  So I couldn't really have too many temper tantrums, could I?

So, I am really nervous about posting on here about the gym because I don't want to set myself up for failure and make going a BIG DEAL.  I just need to find a way of managing the mental demons when I am on my own because one thing is for sure, left alone, I would not have got to the gym today.  Not a chance.

Have a great weekend everyone. xxxxxxxxx

Blogroll (2)

Whoops...note to self...don't blog when exhausted.  I forgot one blog that I really, really want to read - The Forty Project!

So, that's another one to add to the list.

Enjoy! xxxxx

Blogroll

I'm finally, finally getting round to getting the blog's house in order.  I still haven't, I'm ashamed to admit, replied to all the lovely people who left such encouraging messages recently, particularly over the work situation...which goes on.  And on.  But I hope you DO know that the messages did and still do mean a lot!

In the meantime, it's time to document some fabulous new (for me) blogs - prompted by their authors' comments on here.

So, in no particular order, I think you'll definitely give yourselves a treat if you check out the following:

Lose to Gain

No More Munching

Battered Suitcase

Miz Fit Online

I used to be thin

Julaberry. Now - floss your teeth!

Balancing the scales

Revamp Life Coaching

Dreaming of Size 12

Happy reading.

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